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RELATIONSHIPS

A companion to share loves with

If you want a relationship to click...find out what makes it tick.

What do you see in another person that excites you to be with them?

In short, I like intelligent conversation and a bit of adventure in spirit. I like someone who has an open mind and knows a little about a lot. I like someone who remembers being a kid, without the baggage. I love to brainstorm with someone until I'm dizzy with delight. I get bored quickly in limited conversation and am not impressed by financial status, only how they got there, as I create my own wealth. I like tall with dark hair, slim and attractive as me. I know it isn't my age wanting this because I was the same when I was younger. 

Team for two

My idea of a relationship is that is a team of two companions. If it doesn't work, it's not a team. You wouldn't hitch a Clydesdale horse and a Shetland pony to the same carriage, so why would you hitch them to the same marriage? It is obvious why this team would have problems getting the carriage to town, but with people we have to look inside to see what makes them a team.

A relationship is not a hierarchy or dictatorship...it is joint-venture.

What is a relationship?

A relationship is a musical that requires two components of equal importance, the singer and the dancer. The singer does one thing and the dancer does the other and together they work to make one musical. This analogy respects the individuality of the two parts as they need and complement each other to create something grand. They will work on developing their individual talents further and communicate changes to each other to see what works for as long as the doors are open. They are one with the music of their love.

The biggest problem people have is that their meaning of a relationship is limited to the romance/erotic stage. Many people are itching to move on once that stage is over for them because they think that's all there is to it. You hear them crying all over the radio that love is gone and it will never be back. Wah! It would be pretty sad to be a human being if that's all there was to life.

The ones that are scratching their itches will keep on looking for the love-bug to bite them over and over again, hoping for the ultimate king/queen bug. Little do they know that's there's more to the bug than its bite. Too bad. Maybe it's time to put this bug under a microscope for a closer look.

The one thing that keeps us searching for the right person to team up with is when see our mistake in choosing the wrong partner. It's like we know something doesn't feel quite right and we truly wanted this to be 'the one', but, nope. Anyway, we can use the hindsight to give us foresight for the next one.

Many people make the mistake of saying, "This is the one that will last forever". I hate to burst your bubble, but if you need to talk yourself into it or you're saying it from the romantic stage, it may not be. Life brings no guarantees and a promise is a promise made at a moment based on your current knowledge of a situation. It is the fortunate few who in fact do find the right kind of love to last for decades, but there is a team in that, too. The best you can do is enjoy the experience and realize that there is a whole life ahead of you and this person is going to share a piece of it. How much depends on the ability of the team to communicate and grow together while maintaining their individuality.

Why do people stay in a bad relationship?

Many people stay purely for relationship worship of how they want the relationship to appear to others, and no other reason. They have given up their original identity and only identify with a character in an illusion.  When they outlast the original show, they stay only to worship the word no matter how bad the performance gets or how long ago the doors closed. They feel that without it, they are no one, so they continue to dance their part, only without the music.

Marriage was made for people...People were not made for marriage.

I'm glad I don't live in a place where marriages are arranged or we are restricted to certain partners like a religious cult. Been there, done that. The best advice I ever gave myself was to discard any lingering baggage from childhood and get to know myself really well before I settle down into a relationship. I just should have said it a lot sooner in life, but I live and learned. There is nothing worse than sacrificing yourself to an institution that you don't even know if you believe in yet because you don't know your self at all. The saddest thing about the institution of marriage has been the words, "'Til death do us part" where it has been taken literally instead of symbolically in that the death is of the love between them.

The most important person in this world is you and getting to know that person should be the first step in anyone's life. Each step you take after that becomes a deliberate choice where even the thorns recede on the path at the very sound of your footsteps. That's very poetic, eh!

Know your self well...it is your protection from bad choices in relationships. 

Be very honest

We may survive many a heartbreak before we actually get it all figured out, but those heartbreaks will tell you that you are definitely not ready yet, and you do get over them. So, get back to looking inward and learning more about your self and your views in life, because you will have to face them all in a relationship one day. Be honest about being ready and what kind of relationship you want.

Sure, you might say that you really like a person and so what if they have a kid, you don't mind kids. Wrong...leave a single parent alone if you have no desire to have kids of your own or if you don't even want your own in your life.

Single parents

Too many men assume that a woman with child(ren) needs a man in her life. Get over it, because the last thing a single parent needs is someone causing more destruction than the original parent already has. Many woman find that lots of  men have still not grown up and certainly don't need another kid in their life. Men are also very attracted to the independent working mom and see her as a source of strength, but they forget to bring their own to the equation. On the other hand, women need to accept the fact that the right man for them may be a while and need to focus on the woman they are becoming.

Woman need not feel that they must pick up where another mother left off if they really don't want to raise children anymore, especially if theirs are grown. A good empty nest feeling is a sign that you did your job well and your children are free to visit you as they please...wherever in the world you may be!

• Marriage is not a purpose in life...life itself is purpose that may or may not include marriage(s).

• Marriage may happen once, often, or never in a lifetime and may last hours, days, months, years, or decades. You may be gun-shy after the first one and dance around it for years.

• Marriage is a confirmation to the rest of the world that you are making a commitment to stay with another person through thick and thin for as long as your capacity to love will sustain you.

• Marriage is not a ball and chain where no one has the key, it is opportunity to stay by choice.

• Marriage is not the ultimate in life, love is, and marriage becomes a curse without it.

• Marriage should complement an already full life, not hinder it.

The person of your dreams may stay in your dreams for a long time

until you are ready to meet them in the real world.

To love or not to love

There are many forms of love that English has only has one word for which is 'love' and it gets bantered about indiscriminately. Greek has five which are more descriptive:

1. Desire – Attraction (epithumia)

2. Longing – Romance (eros)

3. Belonging – Affection (storge)

4. Cherishing – Friendship (phile)

5. Selfless Giving – Unconditional Love (agape)

There is much range in the length, strength, and potential for loving and our life experiences help us to expand in all of them. Both people need to learn all five for a relationship to succeed as all too often there is unbalance, especially with agape where one person becomes a doormat. Balance, baby!

When you really love someone, it is from the core of your being and when one kind of love is not so strong today, we can use another to compensate until balance is restored. The hard part is to find that companion on the same scale as you that you can share your loves with and grow in together.

Since you have to start with someone somewhere on a scale, you should know yourself and your capacity for each as reflected in your daily life. 

For example:

• Agape grows to great heights in parenting and if you've never had a child or are estranged from yours, someone else's love for theirs may be overwhelming for you.

• Epithumia and eros are stronger if you have had many romantic liaisons or played the field a lot, you likely have more experience with them than someone who has been married for 20 years and your passion may be overwhelming for them.

• Storge may come naturally to you if you came from a very affectionate family and you may find that someone who hasn't or has been abused will pull away with certain touching.

Some people may grow at the same level together for years, then poof, one wants to go in a new direction and the other wants to remain in the comfort zone. The important thing is that we can all learn as much as we want about love and the rewards of sharing it are insurmountable when the right person comes along. More importantly, what you may not know is that we don't need to be in a relationship to grow in these loves. These are virtues that we can develop on our own until we find someone to share them with. It certainly takes away from the clingy aspect of a relationship when you realize that you don't need someone else to make you feel a certain way, you can do it yourself. Everyone has experienced the sensations of love at one time or another in their life and it is simply a matter of recalling that sensation that your body has stored in its cellular memory.

For example:

• If you are missing 'storge' with its sense of belonging, recall a moment that you felt that you belonged somewhere and relive the moment. It could be a dinner party long ago where you were surrounded by friends and the joy of the season. Don't start imagining a person you miss as it is the feeling of belonging that you are bringing up, not any sadness, so stay focused.

You can do this exercise with all of the loves and grow in them at your own pace. Be careful with desire and romance as they produce strong fantasies. You can dance around them as long as you maintain control of your thoughts and your body. Celibacy is a blessing when you are preparing yourself for a real relationship, so do not give in to a troublesome fling as you won't want the stale cologne of a careless tryst sabotaging a great love. When you are strong enough in each of the loves and are ready to share them with someone, you will know for certain, and they will be ready, too. 

Relationships are for sharing loves with another...not obligations.

Are you ready for A Rich Romance?

This the line that you do not want to cross.

• Abuse and violence is an in-your-face signal to get out of the relationship the very first time it happens. It is a form of murder of the spirit and precedes murder of the body. You will not find those words in any definition of love through any of the ages, only from the lips of the egotistical masochist. You can pervert your perception of the word all you like, but love will never cross that line. If you find yourself accepting abusive behaviour through fear or conditioning, remember that more people die in a marriage than a divorce. At the same time you could cause your own child's death down the road just by showing them how to accept it. You will find that sorry doesn't mean to the abuser what it should and you will be more than sorry when your reflex action takes control where your brains should have. You will also be saving the abuser from the consequence of a murder trial. Think your way out.

A Marriage License does not contain the word 'kill'.

"Til death do us part" should be taken as death of the marriage, not of a person

• Conforming, controlling, and otherwise manipulating someone into what you want or planning to change someone after marriage is never a part of love, but a sign of your own insecurity. You will never be happy in the relationship and will reap the backlash of resentment and hostility. Also, you will never have a real love, only a two-legged pet, until it expires and you get another.

• Infidelity is a heartless and cruel act that begins with merely a thought. A relationship is not the place to play with the dangerous love-bug or another person's affections. Resolve to remove yourself from the relationship or give your partner the opportunity to make that choice for themselves. It is yet another sign of insecurity that we must test a love that we are unsure of or cannot even attain in ourselves. At least own up to your weak mindedness and don't be surprised by any of the natural or logical consequences that may result from your actions and lack of foresight. It truly is unacceptable behaviour in a relationship and is a sign you need to get out.

• Lying to yourself when a marriage is not working will cause torment in deluding yourself that it is, because deep down you hold the truth and it will eat at your nervous system and show itself through addiction or disease.

• Mid-life crises are great excuses for people who have no mind of their own and we all go through many hormonal and emotional extremes in our lives. Much too often the old mental state of an affair sets in and takes the entire family for a hellish roller coaster ride through tunnels of emotional turmoil. It is a sign that they have been ignoring the loves in their life for far too long.