Parenting - Teach and learn your children well

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	PARENTING Teach and learn your children well

Teach and learn with a child in the art of life Teach your child in the art of life and at the same time learn about who he/she is. Parenting begins the moment a child is born. Whether you are a little or a lot involved in raising the child, the guidelines are the same with consistency being the key to making it a part of the child's character. How active your are in your child's life reveals what kind of parent you are. Even a deadbeat parent is being a parent, just not a good one, and there is that part in a child that knows it as neglect. Being a parent is a state of mind. It is like being a mentor with the honor of exalted emotional attachment to a part of you that is apart from you. In being a parent we guide our children in learning: About natural and logical consequences to their actions About our language, values, and customs About personal responsibility About their likes and dislikes About their natural talents and how to develop them How their mind and body works along with the things that affect them, i.e., emotions, drugs How to create a good situation out of a bad choice How to discern fantasy from reality, especially with violent and gory video games How to handle grief in loss How to handle peer pressure How to love themselves How to recognize their options and make right choices How to set personal boundaries How to temper strong emotions, especially in the face of raging hormones Mostly: That they are very much loved and important to us Why would a person think that being a parent gives license to be a tribal dictator? Parenting is a leadership during the training period of a child from birth to young adult. It is guidance in the art of being human for someone who is new to the planet and all of its strange experiences. Why would a parent think that they know "everything" more than their children? Children have a whole new world of things to learn along with new ways of learning as each generation brings new challenges that surpass the one before. Why would a parent think that what they want is what their child wants? Children are not clones so parents can have a second chance at a better life. Children are not little dolls that you can dress-up in cutesy outfits to take out in public only to set back on a shelf when you get home. Deadbeat Parents This is someone who never grew up themselves and usually clings to their own parents too much or disassociates altogether. They are in fact mostly men, but women do it, too. On the other hand you can find a deadbeat parent right in the next room, leaving all of the child rearing up to the other parent or the television. Often it is the father figure that offers up an opinion every once in a while from the lazy-boy in an effort to assert some sense of authority. Thanks goodness those times are changing as more men are acknowledging their responsibility that had been there since the child's birth. Many times, too, the woman will spend the day gossiping and watching soap operas only to tend at commercial breaks to kids who are mesmerized by cartoons and video games. These scenarios are reminders that someone has too much time on their hands and not enough hands-on with their children. They should try their hand at being a working single parent just so they can learn the art of juggling business with babies. Television and Video Television shows and video games should complement what is taught in the home, not replace it. Educational shows are great for teaching the basics in life, i.e., the alphabet, arithmetic, and playing nice, as those are skills they can take with them. It is important to know that a child's mind is in a continuous state of development where they should not be bombarded with stupidity and violence. A parent's job is harder now that all of this is readily accessible and we must be watchful that they don't take those particular skills with them. One-dimensional entertainment is hypnotic and the mind is a natural sponge that soaks up everything it sees and processes it. Most television is nothing like real life and may seem harmless, but I really don't like my son behaving like Bart Simpson, let alone Beavis and Butthead. Even when it is restricted at home, they can get it somewhere else, so confirm that your kids know it is pretend as they are very gullible and impressionable. It's always neat for kids to act out in what they see as fun as they are still learning and it's up to the parents to know if it's just a phase or they truly believe it. Every child is different and they are living proof that too much mindless entertainment creates a lazy mind, especially for energetic little sponges. Offer hobbies and teach them how to use their imaginations. Let them learn about the multi-dimensional world around them instead. Teach your child to discern fantasy from reality. Teaching Skills No matter the age, consistency is the key to teaching good habits and hygiene with the parent being the most influential example. You will find that children will mimic their parents in practically everything and will reflect a lot more back when they become a young adult. Children learn faster when the parent is interacting on their level, such as getting down on the floor and putting their toys away along side them. Walk them through things at a pace that they can follow as they have very short attention spans even without ADHD. Once they have learn something like tying their shoes or taking the bus, step aside and let them do it from then on or you will be taking away their pride in personal growth. Another enforcer is to let the child show you how it's done as it makes them feel even better about themselves as well as showing you that can actually do it. Children learn well in an entertaining atmosphere as seen on educational shows that are clearly in tune with their leaning capabilities. You can learn a lot of little tricks from those shows as well as imitate the scenarios for quality time with your child if you don't have many ideas of your own yet. Find another angle if bad habits continue as children are always demanding attention and a scolding is attention they will vie for just the same. For example: Rather than cranking out the angry words when someone leaves their dirty shoes where they don't belong: pull back and take a few seconds to look at the shoes and see them for what they are, just shoes that people where on their feet to go outside. Be objective by removing your emotional attachment from the shoes and then say in a matter-of-fact or story-telling voice, "Hmm. Dirty shoes, right there, staring at me. Gee...I know they don't belong there. Gosh...I wonder what anyone can do about it?" Or something similar, and then go on with your day. When the culprit comes in the room, tell them the puzzling story of the dirty shoes you found. Eventually they will get the message and you won't make your household sick with bad vibes. Retrain your PPR. Now every time you think of dirty shoes you will remember the silly story instead of an angry scene. Realize that children do learn well when taught in the way that each of them learns which is why the school curriculum works well for some kids and not at all for others. Some kids are very bright and get bored easily in the classroom setting, especially those with ADHD. You may have to invest in special tutoring or be your child's tutor in order for them to learn in depth. Also, there are now many computer aids to pick up the slack where the teachers leave off. Getting Technical Psychological Type was developed by Carl Jung to explain some of the apparently random differences in people's behaviour because of the different ways that people use their minds. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator� (MBTI) helps explain why different kinds of people: are interested in different things are good at different things are good at different kinds of work often find it hard to understand each other This system has been used for more than thirty years for: families to better understand each other teachers and students to make learning more interesting and efficient young people and adults to choose careers best suited to hold their interest and use their talents organizations to improve communication, teamwork and leadership The MBTI explains how your preferred mental processes work together as well as with others and is a great tool for enlightenment into a person's nature. Your own personal report is a result of answers that are collected from a questionnaire that you fill out, whereas the information available is valuable insight into the mindset of those around you. It will definitely assist you in knowing how your child best learns and how he or she perceives the world around them. It is a workable guideline for opening the lines of communication at various times in life as we grow in different areas of type all throughout our life. Discipline Tough love is the best way to handle disruptive and/or destructive behaviour and following through is the key to instilling the message. Know the difference between natural and logical consequence and teach your child in it: A natural consequence is when a child is playing with matches and accidentally burns their finger. A child learns quickly from this one. A logical consequence is when punishment is decided by you, is immediate, and is recognized by the child as stemming from their mischievous behaviour. A logical consequence is: immediately removing a favourite toy from the room or having them sit in a corner. Have the child say in their own words what they did wrong. A logical consequence is not: restricting them from a TV show that will be on later that evening or waiting until the other parent gets home to exact discipline. Children have no concept of time, so that will be fruitless, confusing, and promote parental meanies. If you have to go through a tantrum stage, resolve to do it now, it only gets worse and harder. If you cannot handle your children, get someone in who can teach you before emergencies happen. Children love creating shock value so ignoring unwanted activity works sometimes, too Spanking This is a hard one because like me, most people do not want to hit their children, but under extreme circumstances it may escalate to that, so it's best to be prepared on how to handle a surprise situation. A spank should be a last resort and followed with a hug and reinforcement of love for the child. A spank warning might come after 3 requests to cease an activity (i.e., breaking things, playing with matches in their room) with the spank warning added to the last request. Children don't keep track of how many times they have been warned, so the number of requests won't matter to them, only to you in trying to put it off. Always follow through. If you say that you are going to give a spank, you must give it, otherwise your words will never be heeded. If you find yourself never giving one after you have threatened one, find something that you will follow through on that is a logical consequence that the child will relate to as punishment for the bad behaviour. If a spank is forthcoming, explain that it is not because you want to inflict pain, it is the consequence you warned them about the last of the 3 times you asked them not to do something. Spank on their bottom and allow them to put books and clothing into their pants if they want as it not about pain, it is about getting their attention and the sight of a paddle will do that for most kids without the spank. One spank should be all you do if it comes to that. The bit of cry that may come with a spank is a far one from the agony of lives lost in a house fire Biological Factors ADHD � If you have a high-energy problem child, have him/her tested for ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). If they have it, learn as much as you can about it and change the child's diet to exclude triggers like foods high in refined sugars (sucrose, dextrose), foods containing dyes (kool-aid), and heavily-processed foods. Try to avoid drugs like Ritalin as it may make things weird and children won't remember to take it on their own at school. Research says that caffeine will work the same way as both affect children opposite to how they affect adults. It also says that children will grow out of ADHD when their bodies grow more and by the time they are an adult. That's a lot of time spent getting your kid down from the ceiling and a lot of trips to the principal's office. Find out what the latest research says and try to wear them out with lots of physical activity and stick with a more natural diet. Worms � If your child is antsy and/or has an itchy bottom get some worm medicine as worms are very common and can be picked up anywhere. They are also contagious, so de-worm the entire family and wash all sheets and bedclothes thoroughly. This should be done on a regular basis with younger kids who play in the dirt a lot. Emotionally-Charged Atmosphere One thing to remember about children is that they are very sensitive to the emotions of those around them, especially their parents. If you are going through a stressful time or your home is full of anger and hostility, your children will mirror it all right back to you. As they are ill-equipped to handle it, all they can do is act up. Your deep-seated emotional problems are not meant for a child to bear as they are defenseless to your strong vibes and they will react accordingly. After a while the child's reactions may become the focus that triggers your bad moods and you take your frustrations out on them. Never direct bad energy towards your child because they didn't start it and they didn't make you feel a certain way, only you did that. Try it for yourself by visiting someone who makes you feel comfortable and maintain the peacefulness with the child into the room. They will respond to your feelings of contentment just as easily as your feelings of discontent. Many parents try to mask their anger and frustrations with tranquilizers or drugs, but they still look the same to a child as well as many sensitive adults. Be aware of your state of mind around your children because you could be dumping a load of raw emotion and then wonder why they have such a troubled life. Be the hero/ine...resolve your problems with therapy or by leaving...protect your children. Real people Each child is a unique and real person that parents get to meet each day as they grow into themselves. They bring their own sense of self and personality to the world along with their own place on the timeline of history. They also take us into new and strong emotions with fears in watching them make their own mistakes as they strive for independence. The best thing we can do as parents is allow them to grow and experience for themselves and gently guide them in as many ways as we can. Always lend support to their decisions Always encourage creativity, independent thinking and choice Always wish them well and give them happy thoughts as they go out the door Be aware of the bad habits they bring into your home from their outside contacts Be aware of when your child is manipulating you, they'll be learning about you from birth Be consistent and follow through when disciplining, especially when you are tired Be honest with delicate issues and observant in their reactions to certain news Children often turn rebellious in their struggle for independence, so don't be overly restrictive Give appropriate praise and discipline...avoid over-praising and over-punishing Give them chores to match their ability, i.e., keeping their room clean, putting dishes away Never expect them to raise your other offspring for you, let them enjoy their childhood years Never pressure them into marriage...big one! Never spend your life in a constant state of worry as you are only sending them negative energy that can harm them Introduce them to guests in your home and allow them in age-suitable conversation Know what being sorry means Know when to cut one or two strings at a time Learn how to speak with a firm voice so that you are not ignored and need to yell later Learn to teach without lecturing or preaching Let them figure many things out for themselves to develop their own resourcefulness Never assume you know what your child thinks, likes, or wants in life Never blame them for being born or for messing up your life Never compete with your child or be jealous/envious of them Never criticize or judge or otherwise direct constant disapproval towards your child Never give them cause to worry about you worrying about them Never favour one child over another or compare one to another Never say a child is stupid/dumb/an idiot, if you must, say that he/she is acting a certain way Never say that you are sorry over and over and then continue with your actions/non-actions Never underestimate their intelligence, just learn where it's focused Never use the expression, "I'm going to kill you" even in jest Read them a bedtime story every night followed with a kiss and a hug Remember to allow your child to grow up Teach them as much as you can of what you learned and at the appropriate time Trust that they are intelligent people and you've taught them well Try to remember often what it was like when you were their age Use family counseling to open those all-important communications skills if necessary Being a parent is an honor and the hardest job in the world where joy and grief are greatly magnified. There are no perfect parents...and no perfect children...just keep it real. This is the line that you do not want to cross or allow anyone to take your child across. Child Abuse To know about a person's open wound on the outside is obvious. To treat it we apply a bandage and some TLC To know about a person's open wound on the inside may come from observing a person's demeanour which requires more study or by simply being told about it. To treat it we need to apply compassion The future of child abuse is that some people carry a subtle awareness that they are damaged property and will avoid committing to relationships and some will bury their abuse so deep that everyone is surprised when a loving relationship brings it to the surface. I strive to see more cycles broken and more family hero/ines stepping up to the plate. I do not accept the excuse that 'abusers abuse because they were abused'. If anything, when one is abused, they want to desperately stop it so children never have to experience it. They are the healers of: Physical: hitting/pinching/beating/whipping with hand or object Verbal: belittling/criticizing/yelling/screaming/name-calling Psychological: you manipulate a child's emotions to make them feel bad when you: Bad-mouth an estranged or deadbeat parent A child knows when someone is missing in their life and the door should always remain open to a healing opportunity Tell a child lies about things that happened in their childhood What is said and what they know to be true will cause a state mixed feelings Turn a child against a parent, especially one who loves them A child knows a parent's love and will suffer extreme emotional confusion if told lies Use children as weapons in relationships A child is not a possession to be held for ransom Slave labour: children doing chores is one thing, but they are not little machines that you can order around to do work that adults should be doing. Respect their growing bodies, especially the back and teach them how to use it and take care of it. Molestation: it is no joke that there seems to be one of "those uncles" somewhere in every family. If there is someone who gives you the creeps you can be sure that your child is getting those vibes, too, only they won't know what they are or what to do with them. Remember that most children will not even know how to explain the feelings as they are very strange and may give them a dirty, sickly sensation that will make them feel that they are bad just because they had them. On the other hand, it might be enacted in a way to make the child feel good when it happens or it may be construed by the child as a form of attention. Each child has different concepts of good and bad, so be observant and open. Sexual abuse: the ultimate in abuse has yet to be remedied to much degree. Children have no concept of what it is when it happens and only experience it somehow and some way all alone. Sadly, it might be enacted in fun way and may even be made to feel good. Sadder though, it is still a monster for a child who has no protection from it and will wear it like an invisible wet woolen overcoat into adult life. Many parents are afraid to face it, but we must overcome the repulsiveness that we feel and approach it objectively in order to protect our children from it. The other sexual abuse: one fact that many people don't realize is that physical abuse from a parent of the opposite sex is a form of sexual abuse and also prelude to abusive relationships. Caregiver Abuse More and more children have working parent(s) which requires that someone else influence the child(ren) for the major part of the day, perhaps in opposition to you. There is no excuse for interfering with the love between a child and a parent, but many caregivers do it out of malicious contempt and their own parental failures. Communicate with your children about how relatives, ex-partners, and babysitters talk about you to them. If they tell you something like, "So-and-so said you are a bad mother/father and a mean mother/father", get them as far away from that person as possible. Also, watch for the signs: This person acts more like the child's playmate than an adult This person acts like a servant and does everything your child demands from them This person ignores your requests to stop allowing your child to whine when asking for things This person takes your child out of town without asking your permission When your child doesn't get their own way, they say, "I'm gonna tell so-and-so on you." When your child goes shopping with this person, the child pulls toys into the cart and this person buys them without hesitation Your child often has tantrums when you insist they eat their dinner first before dessert, because this person does not enforce that rule and gives them sweets all the time Your child cries and clings to this person when it's time to go home The problem is that by 3-4 years old the child has been programmed with some real nastiness that is aimed directly at you. The best thing to do is get yourself and the child away from that person and never look back. They only want your child for themselves and the only way to do that is to turn your child against you. You will see how quickly the maternal/paternal instinct kicks in to protect your family from evil-doers. As these are the years where what they learn is most impressed upon their psyche, you will likely need therapy along with a lot of affirmative action in reprogramming your child to recognize you as their loving parent.

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